


Collapsing World

by obs3ss1ons



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Gen, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 08:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18205922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obs3ss1ons/pseuds/obs3ss1ons
Summary: Andy tells Ryan why she keeps pushing him away.





	Collapsing World

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance.

Three days passed before Andy realized she hadn’t talked to Ryan. It was Maya, actually, who pointed it out to her. They relaxed in their living room after a crazy shift, and Maya asked, “So, where has Ryan been lately? I haven’t seen him walking around in his underwear in a few days.”

“Ha!” Andy responded. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s been busy helping my dad find someone to buy my house.”

“I thought you couldn’t go a day without your Ryan fix,” Maya commented. 

Andy shrugged. “It happens. I mean, people can’t have sex every day, can they?”

“Well…”

“Okay, never mind,” Andy said and stood up. She went into her room and called Ryan. He didn’t answer, so she left a message. “Hey, Ryan. It’s me. Just wondering where you’ve been the last few days. Call me.”

She received a text immediately that simply said, “I’m busy.”

That’s when Andy knew something was wrong. The only time Ryan was too busy for her was when he was mad. Since he responded to her call with a text, she sent one back. “Come over for dinner. We can talk.”

She didn’t get a reply. So she spent all day wondering and worrying. Thinking back to their last interaction to see if she did something wrong. Then she remembered running out after seeing the news story about the train. All she could think about was making sure Maya was all right. Surely Ryan could understand that. He knew her well enough to know how much Maya meant to her.

Still, Andy was surprised when he actually showed up that evening. He looked tired and uncomfortable when she opened the door. She quickly assured him, “Maya is out. It’s just us.”

“Of course,” he said without smiling. Yeah, something was definitely wrong.

Andy asked, “Do you want to eat first or talk?”

Ryan stared at her, his eyes slightly narrowed. “Let’s talk. Unless, of course, you have a fake emergency planned to get you out of it.”

“Uh, what?”

“Every time I try to talk to you, something magically comes up that needs your attention right away,” he explained.

Andy paused on her way to the table, holding two beers. “I don’t-”

“Yes, you do.”

She sat down, setting the beers down with a thud. “I didn’t – I mean – What do you need to talk about?”

He ignored the beer she slid toward him. “Does it matter?”

She swallowed the drink she’d just taken. “Of course it matters.”

“Right.” He sipped from the bottle, never taking his eyes from hers. “You don’t really want to talk. The only thing you seem to want is a bed buddy.”

Andy shook her head. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” he asked.

“Ryan, just tell me what’s going on.”

He let out a huff. “We keep repeating the cycle. I think we’re finally good, and you pull back. We make progress towards an actual relationship, and you suddenly only seem to want me for sex. I can’t take it anymore. Either we’re committed, or we’re done. One way or the other. I really don’t care at this point.”

Andy sat in shock. She didn’t know how to respond to what he accused her of. Well, she knew he was right. She tried to keep it casual and fun despite wanting, needing more. But that’s just the way it was. She couldn’t let it go past that. He meant too much to her.

If she didn’t try to explain, she had a feeling she would lose him. For good this time. She didn’t want that to happen, but it seemed inevitable. So, why not try to explain if he was going to walk away anyway? Just rip off the bandaide, get it over with sooner rather than later. Then she could start the process of dealing with yet another disappointment.

She downed the rest of her beer and then sucked in a deep breath. She let it out slowly before telling him, “I know something bad will happen if we get too close to a relationship.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because that’s just the way things are. For me, anyway,” she explained. “I finally think I’ve found happiness in something or someone. And then something bad happens to take it away from me. I don’t think I can handle that happening with you.”

Ryan stayed silent for a while, his focus on something past her shoulder. Finally, he looked at her and said, “That’s ridiculous.”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Andy said, standing and tossing her bottle in the trash. She leaned back against the counter. “You know, I used to think you were the one person who got me. Now I know differently.”

“I do know you,” he told her, standing and moving to right in front of her. He softened his voice. “You’re Andrea Herrera. A scared little girl who thinks she’s all alone in the world while pretending to be a brave firefighter.”

“Nice to know what you think of me.”

Ryan shook his head. “That’s what you think of you. Everybody else sees someone who’s passionate and stubborn. Dedicated. Fearless. You flew to New York City by yourself at twelve just because you missed your dad.”

“Why does everyone keep bringing that up?”

“Because it shows how brave and determined you are, Andy. It shows who you are whether you believe it or not,” he stated.

Andy shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m meant to be unhappy. I accept that. I’m okay with it.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Andy.”

“It has been since my mom died,” she finally admitted. Her eyes burned with unshed tears at the memories. “We were happy, and she got sick. My dad and I settled into a routine, and he runs off to New York. I finally make it onto the department and at my dad’s station, and he gets cancer.”

She broke down as the tears began to fall. Ryan pulled her against his chest, running his hands up and down her back. He held her while she cried. She kept her face buried against his shirt. All of her fears and worries, everything that had happened, seemed to come to the surface. She felt her legs give out, but Ryan held her up.

Ryan, her rock. Her sounding board. Her best friend since birth. The one who had always been there for her when she needed it. She couldn’t risk losing him permanently. She needed his friendship too much. Sure, she had Maya. And Vic. And the guys at the station. But none of them knew her like Ryan knew her.

She sniffed and pushed away from him. Wiping the remnants of her tears away, Andy managed to say, “I can’t do this, Ryan. I care about you too much to lose you. And that’s what would happen if we continue. One way or another, I’ll end up losing you.”

He stepped back. His expression went blank. “So you’re saying you can’t be in a relationship with me because we won’t be together forever. How nice to already know that. Thanks for not making me waste any more of my time.”

Before Andy could react, Ryan walked out the door. The click of the door closing echoed in her ears. Her heart skipped a beat or two. Her lungs seized. She couldn’t breathe. More tears fell over her cheeks. Silently. Andy crumbled to the floor of her kitchen and mourned for her friendship with Ryan. Because she knew, deep down, that he was never coming back. Once again, she tried to let herself be happy and ended up having her world crash around her.


End file.
